Once upon a time a wedding proposal was a private moment: two people, one ring, a declaration of love delivered on one knee and, with any luck, a positive response. The location may have been glamorous, maybe the top of the Eiffel Tower for a bit of drama to seal the memory. There may even have been some element of surprise, a ring hidden in a choux pastry bun for instance. But the engagement was always meant to be the quiet bit — it was afterwards that the fanfare began.

That was how things used to be. The modern proposal is an entirely different beast. These days an engagement is a meticulously planned performative event, a grand affair that is as much a part of the wedding sequence as the bridal shower and hen/stag parties. These proposals are about spectacle as well as sentiment, featuring extravagant settings and jaw-dropping displays of affection, with a crowd to witness the event.

It is difficult to pinpoint when the pivot occurred, but social media has played a large role. With the rise of platforms such as Instagram and TikTok, the pressure to create a “viral” proposal has increased. Couples now want engagements that will capture the attention of friends, followers and strangers.

Enter the rise of “proposal planners” — professionals who help to curate these moments. The American company The Yes Girls was set up over a decade ago and bills itself as the original proposal planner. The owner, Riley Canty, says that budgets range from $15,000 to $200,000 for larger-scale productions: “We can bring to life a previous memory, create custom keepsakes, set up cold sparkler fountains or curate flower-heavy spectacles. That is where the cost really comes in — couples will spend $70,000 on flowers alone.”

Canty notes these events are about “providing their partner with a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It’s like stepping into a dream or a fairytale.”

Fairytale is the byword of the industry: in London, Fairy Tale Proposals is a boutique planner that caters to clients looking to create Hollywood-worthy moments. Each event is tailored for maximum impact. And the planning process can be months in the making. A recent engagement that the company planned involved a proposal in a candlelit igloo in the Arctic Circle, which followed a snowmobile ride with the northern lights as a backdrop.

Luxury lifestyle concierges such as Knightsbridge Circle are tapping into this trend by offering exclusive, bespoke proposal packages for their ultra-wealthy clients. They were recently asked to organise the private hire of the helipad at Burj Al Arab in Dubai for an engagement. This feature of the Burj Al Arab hotel juts out from the distinctive sail shape of the building, suspended 212m over the blue sea. The couple flew in as sunset fell and stepped out onto this floating oasis, where a jazz band gave the cue for the proposal moment. Champagne and a Michelin-star meal atop the helipad followed.

It is not just about a jaw-dropping location — the modern engagement also requires an audience. Nota Bene Global, a private members’ service, arranged a proposal in the Hall of Mirrors at the Palace of Versailles, the very spot where Marie Antoinette and King Louis XVI held their marriage ball 250 years ago. This was followed by a gala dinner, complete with costumes and operatic singers, for two dozen-or so of their friends and family, with a night in the penthouse of the Bulgari, Paris to top it off. This type of post-proposal celebration is becoming a hallmark of modern engagements, where the “yes” is swiftly followed by a lavish event with friends and family, who are often flown in secretly for the occasion. Forget asking your girlfriend’s father if he consents to you asking for her hand in marriage, these days you’d better be securing her entire contacts list for a weekend in Bali.

The One Romance, a premier “romance planning agency” launched in 2014, sees Covid and social media as accelerating the growing proposals market. Amanda Brown, the co-founder, says: “One positive thing that came out of Covid was an appreciation for the people in our lives and really wanting to create memories. But without a doubt our younger clients are the ones with a focus on creating a “viral moment” — one girl had her phone in her hand and was filming the proposal itself as it happened. That’s what they’ve grown up with — the ability to instantly share memories.”

She flags one commission where the company had two weeks to arrange the closure of a section of the River Thames so that the proposal could take place in front of a personal firework display, giving the bride-to-be, a nursery school teacher, “a celebration she deserved”. Under the guise of a floating wine tasting, the couple were whisked away on a barge, complete with pretend patrons. Each wine they tried told a chapter of their love story — including bottles of Château Pétrus. Afterwards, they stepped onto the deck just as the night sky was lit up by fireworks — provided by the company that set up the Millennium display — and the words “will you marry me” spelt out in shimmering gold and red hearts. She said yes.

The modern proposal, then, is defined by the desire for crafting a moment that combines personal significance with public spectacle, ensuring that the proposal isn’t just remembered by the couple, but by everyone watching and waiting to celebrate too.

How to say no

There is one problem with this vogue for extravagantly public engagements. If your boyfriend has hired the Great Wall of China and invited everyone you’ve ever met, as he proposes amid a release of pink-dyed doves (all of which is being relayed live on social media), it might be hard to say no. If this is you, here are some tips:

Get on their level

Kneeling with your partner can help to remove a power imbalance if you are standing and they are left to clamber to their feet. Keep the moment intimate by getting on an even footing to explain your perspective.

Take control

There’s nothing worse than explaining a “no” while a team of champagne-holding waiters look on. Discreetly indicate there is more to be spoken about and ask for a moment in private.

Say yes to a future if not to for ever

This doesn’t have to be a break-up if you don’t want it to be. Explaining softly that you still want to be together, and are honoured by the sentiment, is an important part of turning down a proposal but keeping the relationship alive.

Talk like business partners

Many proposal experts note that the best way to avoid a “no” is to ensure you regularly check in with your partner and know what timeline they are on. You don’t remove the romance by forward planning, you ensure longevity and a solid infrastructure for the future. If your partner has booked out Venice and you’re not expecting it, it’s possible that communication has been lacking along the way.

Credit: This article by Tyler Bennett was originally published on The Times on Wednesday November 20, 2024